I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in early December of 1978, six months after the church lifted the ban prohibiting black men from ordination and one week before my 17th birthday. Oddly, two years earlier the ban was, in large measure, what led me to scrutinize the Church. As an eighth grader, I was so upset to learn that a church would blatantly discriminate that I spent several lunch periods boring my friend and fellow Catholic, the bespeckled and knock-kneed Maria Campagne, with my tirades. The ban put the “Mormon Church” on my radar screen and, shock of shocks, in no time I was trembling under the weight of a newly-found, but solid, testimony. I was fourteen and desired baptism, but my parents withheld permission for well over two years, until Donny Osmond got married, just to be sure I wasn’t one of those. Although I sought membership years before the restriction was lifted, I didn’t embrace the ban. I stayed quiet about it, that’s true (much to Maria’s relief), but I couldn’t embrace it. I didn’t understand it. I questioned it. I doubted it. But there it was.
Maybe, because of the way I came into the Church, I’m predisposed to embrace doubt. Doubt, after all, is what brought me into the fold. But more than that, my doubt in a particular aspect of the Church’s then-current teaching did not impede my ability to understand the beauty of the restored gospel.
Unfortunately, for many Mormons, doubt is a four-letter word. But just as doubt is not, in reality, four letters long, it is also not evil. There is neither right nor wrong embedded in the act–the process–of doubt. In fact, doubt is a mechanism by which faith may expand or retract. To draw a simple analogy, doubt is like any vehicle. With it, you can reach an array of locations, some positive, some negative.
Doubt and Testimony: During my conversion process, I was blessed with sacred experiences which solidified my testimony that Joseph Smith was what he claimed, a prophet selected to restore the fullness of the gospel. I’m not ignorant of the sometimes bizarre (particularly to our modern sensibilities) foibles of his personal life or the limitation of some of what he understood about the Book of Mormon. Parts of my conversion experience have, over the years, taught me that it is an easy thing to make inaccurate assumptions based on revelation, but that those false assumptions don’t change the revelation. Sometimes our understanding needs to change.
A new Facebook page, Mormon Women Stand, has gained broad appeal and describes itself as a group of “LDS Women who, without hesitation, sustain the Lord’s Prophet, the Family Proclamation as doctrine and
our divine role as covenant women for Christ.” In the Guidelines on Discussion and Tone, we find, “Discussions focused on questioning, debating, and doubting gospel principles do little to build the kingdom of God.” The passage then states: “With this in mind, anything contentious, contrary to or criticizing the teachings, doctrines or leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on this page will not be welcome.”
I’m not sure how to react to this. If this group holds strictly to this platform, I, as a teenage investigator, would have had no place there. I (and my comments) would’ve been rejected for the very doubts, criticisms, and questions that lead to my testimony.
In fact, I don’t think I’m welcomed there now. I continue to have questions–real doubts about some things. Yet, I don’t feel my questions call into question my devotion to the Lord, my commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or my willingness to sustain the current president and prophet. I have always had doubts, things I wondered about, unexplained things that got under my skin. Over the years, I’ve supplicated my Father in Heaven about my doubts and gained insight I wouldn’t otherwise have had. So I’m confused: If approaching my God with my doubts is a good thing, why is it a bad thing to approach my fellow saints with them? Surely I’m not the only person with both a testimony and doubt.
Mormon Women Stand without a Doubt, but Should They?: I’ve no qualms with Mormon Women Stand’s assertion that it is a group of women “who, without hesitation, sustain … the Family Proclamation as doctrine.” I, too, sustain it without hesitation. But I have serious doubts about certain moral and ethical assumptions that the Mormon populace (both of the mainstream and leadership varieties) have made regarding it. The Proclamation has 
holes, things that are left unsaid, and yet we have, as a cultural body, assigned values, or meanings, that extend beyond the words that are written on the page. So yes, I have doubts that our interpretation–even the interpretation given at official podiums–is completely in line with Heavenly Father’s view. In other words, I doubt “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” is Heavenly Father’s final word, which is not the same thing as doubting the proclamation is His word. To me, its weave is loose.
Allow me to be specific. The Proclamation states this about gender: “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” I believe that wholeheartedly. But most Latter-day Saints make the assumption that any child of God born in mortality who says, “I’ve always known I was the opposite gender from what my body indicates” is, at best, denying his or her sacred nature, or, at worst, committing a grievous sin in the eyes of God. But the Proclamation doesn’t state that. It only states that gender is eternal. We assume that someone who says they are born into a body with the wrong genitalia is rejecting their eternal nature, their true gender. We assume a penis or vagina is the divine indicator of gender. At the same time, we reject the notion that our body defines us: We are sons and daughters of God, and, therefore, we are more than our mortal body.
During my daughter’s high school years, when she made plans to go out, I had the habit of asking where she was going, who she was going with, and, specifically, would there be boys involved in her activity. She often answered that Alex (not his real name) would be accompanying them, but that “he didn’t really count” because he was “more like one of the girls.” As it turned out, Alex always believed he’d been born into the
wrong type of body: he was a she and he knew it in the core of his being. After reaching adulthood, Alex began living as a woman and she continues to be one of my daughter’s favorite friends. When I think about Alex in relation to the statement on gender in the Proclamation, I see evidence that what the Proclamation states is truth: Alex was a female before her birth, she continues to be female in spite of her body’s appearance, and she will be female in the hereafter. I see no hint in her quiet, patient demeanor of sin or aberration, but I do see a spirit lost in the pain of being misunderstood, judged, and rejected. So yes, I doubt. I doubt the Proclamation’s statement on gender is complete. I doubt Heavenly Father judges her as harshly as her fellow human beings. I doubt the assumption that any son or daughter of God who tells us their genitalia misidentifies them is deceived or sinful. I think it’s much more likely our assumption that they are deceived and sinful is deceptive and sinful. These are doubts I take to Lord in prayer.
Of course, I, too, make assumptions. I assume that spirits who are born into wrongly-gendered bodies agree to this situation, or at least understand it will be the case, while still in the premortal realm. I sense that their struggle exists in order to help the rest of us develop Christlike love, or perhaps, to allow us to establish our own condemnation. This assumption feels more faithful to me than the assumption they are sinful.
Some may balk at my claims about my own faith because of my doubts, prophesying my inevitable spiritual downfall because I’m contending with God’s spokesmen. I would remind them that Joseph Smith made assumptions we are learning were in error. He assumed all native Americans were descendants of Lehi, and that the Nephites and Lamanites were the only groups present on the American continent. Neither of these assumptions, though widely accepted throughout the Church’s history, is supported in the text of the Book of Mormon. Both were errant assumptions made by the Prophet and perpetuated by church members. This does not prove Joseph Smith is not a prophet. Nor does it disprove the Book of Mormon. It only demonstrates that humans sometimes makes assumptions–sometimes look beyond the mark–and see things that aren’t there.
Doubt as Traction: In the Sunday morning session of April’s General Conference, Elder David A. Bednar shared the memorable story of a man who drove his new truck into the snowy mountains and became 
stuck. With no way to get out and nothing better to do, he decided to cut and load firewood into the truck’s bed. Needless to say, the additional weight of his load allowed the truck to gain sufficient traction in the snow and he was able to drive out of the wilderness, down the mountain, and back home. Elder Bednar explained that sometimes the weight of our mortal burdens is precisely what we need to get us back to our Father in Heaven.
It is a delightful analogy. As I reflect on it, however, I can’t help but notice that the truck owner actively selected his own burden, or, in other words, he cut down the timber and loaded it himself. Certainly this has parallels in our own life. Our choices often bring on our troubles. But in this story, the driver’s trouble was not his burden, nor was it caused by his burden. His trouble was caused by a foolish decision to drive into deep snow. The burden he placed in the bed of his truck was the solution to his trouble.
When I think of this story, I think of doubt as that kind of burden. I don’t want to doubt. Doubt is hard work, much like cutting and loading firewood. But I do want answers, knowledge, light. I want to get out of the deep snow. If I load up on doubt–a thing I need as much as the driver’s family needed wood for warmth–my soul can have the traction it needs to resolve the trouble I get myself into. Doubt propels results, increases faith. Or can if doubt is faithful. I ask that we reconsider the way we think of doubt. Instead of thinking of it as trouble for the soul, let’s begin considering it a burden that allows us to progress.
So yes, I have doubts. I consider those doubts a sign of my faith, not a sign of weak faith. I rejoice in the knowledge we have gained through a lineage of modern-day prophets, but I also trust that, if we desire more light and knowledge, it will come. Faith, in my eyes, is not merely the acceptance of things as they are, but the hope for things that will be. And so I doubt. And so I look for the holes, the empty spots in our knowledge, the places where the weave of the cloth is not tight, and I will examine those spaces, prod and poke them, hoping to gain some better individual understanding in advance of great revelation. In preparation for great revelation.
I understand that Mormon Women Stand wants to develop a safe, respectful place to testify, and I do not fault them that. I not only understand, but applaud, the desire to eliminate contentious banter, to have a quiet place without the noise. However, without a willingness to include doubt, they may end up bearing testimony only to themselves. And that’s okay. There is a need for that.
But me? I will continue to doubt and to engage in conversation about my doubt, both with my Heavenly Father and with my fellow doubters.
After all, doubt has been the burden that has given traction to my testimony for more than thirty-five years, and I trust in God enough to continue doubting.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you (Mat. 7:7)
Life Outside The Book of Mormon Belt 
Thank you! I love this! I was raised in the church and lived off my parents’ testimonies for 25 years. Doubt is what led me to develop my own testimony, one I’m still growing.
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Very nice–thank you!
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A soul sister! http://bit.ly/1iH1ZRi
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Thank you! You put words to what I have been thinking.
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Thanks for your kind words … and for taking the time to both read and comment. It helps me feel like I’m not alone. 🙂
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Very well said. It is nice to hear how doubt can lead to stronger faith. I especially liked your thoughts on transsexuality — I’d never thought about it that way before.
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Thank you, Daniel. Its kind of you to let me know that some of what I have mused here struck a chord with you.
Most of us probably don’t deal face-to-face with transsexualism. Or not knowingly anyway. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be … Especially for people born into families of faith. At least, with Mormonism, we should be able to help them feel comfortable because of our understanding of gender in our pre-mortal life. I’m sure it doesn’t help explain why or how being born into a wrongly gendered body happens, but I do hope Latter-day Saints evolve in their thinking and learn to trust our brothers and sisters when they tell us that this is their situation. If anyone should know, I’d think they would. Its a very tough path some very good people have to walk …
Thanks again! Visit again!
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This gives me hope. Well said – thank you.
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Wonderful! You articulated beautifully issues with which I have struggled, but could never fully express. Thank you.
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Lisa (L.T.) I loved this article. I run a LDS podcast http://mormondiscussion.podbean.com and want to share this article on the podcast. But I would like to have it read in your voice. Any chance you might be up for recording this article in your own voice and me using it. The how to do that is easy and I can walk you through it. Let me know
Bill Reel – (reelmormon at gmail dot com)
PS this would reach about 8,000 – 15,000 people
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Bill, I got your FB msg and yes, this would be a real honor. Looking forward to it.
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I discovered your blog because of your “Perspective and the Ordain Women Problem” which I loved. I love this also. I love the feel of your writing; it’s like daintily stepping through a flower garden. It probably doesn’t make sense but it feels holy and I don’t feel holiness vey often. Thank you.
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That’s about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you, Martine. Wow. Wow.
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This is a well thought out post, I appreciate it! 🙂 I just googled the quote that Mormon Women Stand uses in their page ““Discussions focused on questioning, debating, and doubting gospel principles do little to build the kingdom of God.” The passage then states: “With this in mind, anything contentious, contrary to or criticizing the teachings, doctrines or leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on this page will not be welcome.” and it comes from Elder Ballard. So, I see what you are saying about having questions but also what an apostle is saying about doubts and for all intents and purposes, feeding doubts. I loved that Pres. Uchtdorf said to “doubt your doubts, not your faith.” It really resonates with me!
I have found that on MWS page, sincere questions are totally accepted. In fact, I’ve seen a few really great discussions that have helped women come together and it has bee really positive. There was a great discussion on same-sex marriage that I loved and it was amazing to see the kindness, compassion and yet bold/firm standing with the doctrine on the issue. It was done the way Elder Holland outlined in his recent talk in General Conference. I think women need to have the chance and place to stand with the doctrine and apostles without getting shut down by questioning voices who detract and aren’t sincere. I also think (from my understanding) is that when sneaky comments or ones expressing doubt in our leaders or doctrine which are insincere, those ones aren’t accepted on the page as part of what Elder Ballard is talking about above.
There are big differences in sincere seekers of truth who are humble, and those that feed their doubts and allow them to win over their faith. Not saying you subscribe to doubting your faith at all but I have seen so many FB/blog posts online with various groups (like Feminist Mormon Housewives) that don’t come across as humble seekers of truth and there is very little doctrine or reference in many of the posts to actual legitimate LDS.org resources. Does this make sense? I mean, if you really truly are a humble seeker of questions to help strengthen your faith, wouldn’t you stick with the source like LDS.org to help? People can usually tell when someone has sincere questions (like you talked about) and those who are doing little jabs to undermine the doctrine or the position of the Church.
We’re all learning together and we need each other, don’t we? 🙂
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These are great points, Julie. I haven’t visited MWS since the week before I originally published this post. At that point, I had scrolled through many statuses and read many comments and not really seen a discussion, though of course, I hadn’t read every thing written. I saw a lot of affirmation, but not discussion, not give and take, so I’m glad to hear that that side of the FB page is improving. I love the idea of MWS and have absolutely no objection to how they run things. Like you, I’ve visited fMH and The Mormon Hub, only to find a barrage of negativity with some good stuff mixed in. Depends on the day maybe. I dislike the way I see people speak of an isolated incident that tasted sour to them and then extrapolate it out to all of Mormondom. Some day I’m sure I’ll take that topic on, but I doubt it will make much of a dent in that problem.
Like you, I appreciate the “Doubt you Doubts” idea, but I also see danger in so simplistic an approach. After all, some doubts are the very things that propel our testimonies forward. But more than that, I see so many of our youth walking away because they feel our church has no room for doubt. Take a moment and read this wonderful article by Boyd Jay Peterson on doubt. He touches on some of these things. Its very worth the time it’ll take to read it. https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/155-42-50.pdf
Thanks for speaking up!
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I want to thank you for your perspective on transgender. It is a perspective that I have never considered and it has caused me to ponder your perspective, as well as my own a great deal. You have a very unique opportunity to have witnessed this in a very personal way and I am sure it has added to your unique perspective. So thank you, truly, for sharing it.
I have come to the conclusion that I do not believe a person is born into the wrong gendered body. I don’t know why some people feel this way. I am sure it is a great source of pain to them. I cannot explain it away, however, by choosing to believe that they were put in the wrong body. This conclusion is based on the fact that our gender allows us to create children. I am a mother and believe that I will keep that eternal role. I produce as a mother. What would happen to my family if I decided that I was in the wrong body and when I die I will be a man? Will God change me to the father of my family? He cannot, my children already eternally have a father. I produced a child as a mother, I will eternally be a mother.
You say, “Alex was a female before her birth, she continues to be a female in spite of her body’s appearance, and she will be female in the hereafter.” Alex has the divine blueprint to be a father and there is nothing he can do to change this. He would fill the role of father if he chose to reproduce.
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I appreciate your feedback. I didn’t come easily or quickly to this way of thinking and I’m not interested in arguing things we, quite frankly, don’t understand. Not that you are argumentative. You aren’t.
I have faith that God will sort it all out in the end. Some consider that an intellectual frailty to trust a God we can’t see or touch, to trust this God to someday explain what we don’t understand, but obviously I don’t. We don’t. Its I just that I know there was nothing about Alex that felt evil, perverse, belligerent, or rebellious.
In your analogy, you speak of someone “deciding” to be another gender. That is not the language used in my post, nor is it in the vernacular of those who feel they have been born into a wrongly-gendered body. I won’t presume to know more about their experience than they know, so, out of respect, I reject the notion they “decide.” Perhaps they say, “I decided to live as the opposite gender,” but not that they decide to choose to be the opposite gender. Maybe there are exceptions. I can know every case.
Perhaps you will be correct in the hereafter. Perhaps the view I present will be. Chances are, though, neither of begins to truly understand the wonder, compassion, and yes, logic of God. So I choose to hoover in the realm of divine mysteries, leaving aside negative assumptions, and awaiting definitive answers.
Thank you for responding. I love hearing from people who are thinking things through, weighing them in their hearts, especially when their perspective is not mine. We help each other stretch. Check back again.
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Whether it is a “decision” or not you still never addressed my point. In reasoning this out in my mind I came back to the basic family unit and procreation. If Alex were to have children he would be a Father. Regardless of what he feels he is or isn’t he would 100% be a father. And that role has the possibility to be eternal. Being a mother, I never want to give up that role, if I have the chance to keep it eternally. His body is 100% programmed to be a father. What would happen to that role if gender was switched in the hereafter? That is what lead me to my own personal conclusion. I may have used the word “decision” in my analogy, however I was not implying that this was a decision that Alex did or didn’t make. However, he does decide whether or not he lives as a male or a female, as you stated. I am just trying to figure out my own mind on these issues, as I think they are very important to our day and age. And as you said, it will all be sorted out in the end. Thank you for taking time to reply back!
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Where do intersex people fit into your paradigm? Or people with Swyer syndrome (XY chromosomes but anatomically female) or XX male syndrome? In utero, unless the SRY gene is activated at the correct time to cause the baby to develop as male, the baby will develop as female. There are situations that cause all sorts of differences among humans’ bodies. Is it really so unlikely that a person who is spiritually male has a body that looks female? If anything, our theology of gender being in place before mortality lends credibility to the experiences of trans people who make look male or female on the outside, but they know at their core that what they look like does not match who they are.
We don’t know much about what will happen to families who do not fit the temple-married, never divorced, never remarried family with children ideal of the church. We have been assurred that things will be worked out, and I believe that assurance covers everyone, regardless of how their mortal body looks.
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