TW: death by suicide
At the March 2023 Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults, first counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Dallin Oaks, read aloud an excerpt taken from a letter written by Amy, an LDS teenager. For your ease, I offer the excerpt, followed by my own, brief response to her:
“I feel like I sometimes get inconsistent and confusing messages from the Church. In my day-to-day life, I see members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on social media act as if they aren’t part of this gospel. … I feel like I am the only young woman in my ward who sees the things I see wrong with the world. … I truly don’t understand why so many youth in our church don’t see any problem with people changing their gender every other day, dating people who are the same sex or identify as no gender. …
“At ward or stake youth activities, I am asked my pronouns, or at school I am asked to dance with a girl who thinks she is a boy. I know we are supposed to love everyone and show them respect, and I always do. I [just] feel that there is a line being crossed…. I wish we heard more talk from Church leaders about this problem.” –AMY, age 16
Dear Amy, because Pres. Oaks shared your age, I’ll share mine. I’m 61. In my many decades, I’ve seen a lot of trends come and go in mainstream society and within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I joined the Church in California at about your age and have always been an active member. Overall, my church life has been ordinary. I married in the temple 37 years ago and stayed at home with my three children. I’m cisgender and straight, but I’ve intentionally made many friends in the LDS LGBTQ community, mostly because of the story I’m about to share.
In about 1993, my husband and I moved our little family into a new ward, and I was called to serve as the YW president. The bishop instructed me not to contact a certain inactive, 16 year old girl. I was stunned. He explained that she’s a lesbian who “hates the church.” The situation forced me to think about what it’d be like to grow up as a gay child in a church that taught homosexuality is sinful.
Back then, top Church leaders were just beginning to suggest that being gay isn’t a sin but “acting on it” is. Most LDS hadn’t heard/accepted this idea. Former prophet Spencer W. Kimball taught in his then-popular book, The Miracle of Forgiveness (no longer published by the Church), that homosexuality is a choice and choosing it a grievous sin. This girl’s innocent childhood would’ve been tainted by repeated exposure to the idea that her inborn nature made her an enemy of God and church. Of course, she was angry. A lie had been taught as a truth and wounded her deeply.
My bishop seemed to fault her for that anger, but I came to realize our church didn’t offer her the plan of salvation on the same footing it offered it to me. I didn’t know what to do with that. Powerless, I shelved the concern, and I left the girl alone. I couldn’t invite this teenager back into a church where she’d feel condemned rather than loved. We had Jesus-work to do before we deserved her, but I didn’t know what that would look like.
I knew I needed to love LGBTQIA people like Jesus loves them. I wanted to understand them and their situation in the Church better. Once social media began, their voices and stories were easier to find, and I began developing sought-after relationships. Nothing has spurred more spiritual growth in me than developing lasting friendships with LGBTQIA church members. They’ve suffered, they’ve been rejected, they’ve been misunderstood. Some stay in the Church, others leave for their mental health. But their goodness never changes. I’m sure that teenage girl never lost her goodness, either. Calling someone wicked doesn’t make it so.
Today, I encourage cishet people like me to do better by LGBTQIA people. Every day, I think about LDS children who will someday come out after years of experiencing church leaders, church teachers, and family members insist the “gay/trans agenda” is an affront to God’s plan when it is God who planned them. All of my LDS-raised, LGBTQIA friends–every one of them–have suffered severe self-loathing, depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. It’s devastating to remember the burials, the intense regret of those who couldn’t prevent a loved one’s death by suicide. Yes, many things factor into depression. Yet, each of these people were weighted down by the persistent, religious teaching that queer people are in opposition to the Lord.
Amy, you wrote that you don’t understand why your LDS peers support gay romances or gender identity changes. I can’t speak for your peers but I can tell you why I do. It’s simple: I want them alive. I want to reflect the love God feels toward them in their interactions with me. I want them to know I see their immense worth, and that I recognize their orientation and identity as divinely appointed. I want them beside me.
Pres. Nelson advocates we all accept “child of God” as our primary identifier. Accepting “child of God” as my most important identifier doesn’t make me less female, less straight, less American, etc. Nor would it make someone else less gay or bi, less trans, less intersex, etc. If my gender and sexual orientation are gifts, everyone’s gender and orientation are also gifts. After all, God is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34). Our Heavenly Parents don’t elevate one kind of person over another.
In his devotional address, Pres. Oaks encouraged us to follow the commandment to love by being respectful and kind to everyone. I suspect, when your peers ask for your pronouns at a church activity, they are striving to do exactly that. They don’t ask you this because they are following the world but because they are following the Lord. They’re showing love.
They’re refusing to divide those around them into the categories of sinners and saints, good and bad, favored or marginalized. Have you noticed that Jesus is regularly confronted with the accusation he hangs out with sinners, and yet he never calls anyone a sinner? Those around him do, including his disciples. He didn’t divide us the way we divide ourselves. Some at church insist the world is getting more evil every day, and maybe, in some ways, it is. But the people I see around me–LDS and not–are becoming less racist, less sexist, and less classist.
You know the stories of our history. In the US, black Americans couldn’t drink from the same water fountain whites used. They couldn’t get bank loans to buy homes or start businesses in certain areas. The stories of societal oppression of women have noticeable similarities. Our own LDS history is filled with the problems religious bigotry causes. Your generation has grown up immersed in these stories. It’s learned that prejudice is ugly and standing up against it is both brave and necessary, no matter where it’s found.
What I’m driving at is that, as a woman born as the Civil Rights movement heated up, I’ve witnessed “the world” become more compassionate. People better understand that factors beyond an individual’s control may dictate life circumstances, that compassion is love manifested through action. It’s good that society is becoming less prejudiced against LGBTQIA people.
The Lord uses “love” as a verb, not as a noun meaning emotion. Most people would say a parent who has the means to feed all their children but doesn’t feed one child in particular is not a loving parent to that child, but an abuser. If that parent uses a sweet tone to say, “No food for you, but I love you just as God does,” Child Protective Services would want to know. Tone doesn’t equate with love no matter how often a church authority claims it does.
Love requires certain behaviors of us. This is why Jesus modeled service, inclusion, and open-heartedness. If we accept the parent’s claim of love without examination, we may inadvertently help cause the child’s starvation.
This is why I can’t support Church policies that spiritually starve my LDS LGBTQIA siblings, no matter how kindly they’re presented at the pulpit. My experience sitting at the feet of my LGBTQIA friends has proven to me that the Church isn’t feeding them like it feeds cishet members. It denies them marriage, both here and hereafter, and other things as well. The covenant path is broken for them, not by them. There are no mental gymnastics I can do that allow me to lie about this basic observation.
Joseph Smith taught, “One of the grand fundamental principles of Mormonism is to receive truth, let it come from whence it may” (Discourses of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 199). Today, some leaders warn us against secular learning as if scientific and historical research intend to destroy religion. Genuine truth seekers appreciate that revelation comes in differing ways to those prepared to receive it.
The world now understands that homosexuality is not a choice because of secular, scientific inquiry. The brethren eventually adopted this idea once it became unsustainable to reject it. They’ll eventually do the same as human psychological and biological research prove their old ways of thinking false.
It should’ve already happened regarding gender. Even a rudimentary understanding of biology provides clear evidence that what we call gender is social construct. Some people are born with the external genitalia of one gender, but the internal sex organs of another (intersex). Some are born with the sexual organs of one gender but the chromosomes (DNA) of the other (Swyer Syndrome). There’s much still to learn, but eventually the LDS Church will accept the secular evidence that gender is not binary. That is what LDS are supposed to do.
The Jesus I meet in the scriptures actively deconstructed the societal tiers humanity created. He embraced all kinds. He ate with us, spoke with us, loved us, and showed every one of us a higher way to live.
I can’t speak for your peers, but as one who uses social media to promote ideas of love and equality, I can say I do it because I took on the name of Jesus at my baptism. No one has been more surprised than me to discover this unwavering commitment sometimes requires I differentiate from the viewpoints of Church leaders. Conformity of perspective has never been the unity of Christ. That unity will come only as we love as he loved–with and through inclusive action. If we ever achieve such unity as a Church, there will never be another lost sheep.
So give your friends a break. They are trying to be like Jesus in spite of religious pressure to conform.
Sincerely, Sis. Downing
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets (Matt. 7:12)
Be sure to like and follow Life Outside the Book of Mormon Belt on Facebook by clicking here and the author on Twitter here.
Life Outside The Book of Mormon Belt 
When it feels like someone is making a decision about their gender identity or sexual orientation suddenly or frequently, this is most likely because they have been struggling internally while performing outwardly.
Society has come to understand that people with depression often put on an outward mask of happiness–and that maintaining that mask can cause a lot of internal harm and struggle. When someone so externally happy hits a breaking point, it can seem like a shock when you haven’t been there every step of the way inside their head, hearing the self-talk, the struggle, the pressure to conform.
That’s what being in the closet, masking, trying to fit in does: consciously or subconsciously, your LGBTQ+ friends are struggling between the push and pull of a society that says one thing, a heart and mind and instincts that say other things, a drive to fit into a culture that favors heterosexuality and gender conformity, an identity that just isn’t in line with societal expectations, a history of targeted hate, bullying, assault, and harm directed at anyone and everyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
When they choose to let their mask fall away, step out of the closet, and live, it can seem sudden. It can seem like they’re following a trend. It takes time for them to unpack years and years of self-suppression and sort out what their hearts are really saying, so they might might seem flighty.
Just remember: You don’t know what has happened in their minds. You don’t live with them 24/7, for weeks and months and years. What seems sudden to you is a matter of perception, not reality.
We talk about keeping an eternal perspective in the church, and that applies here: The souls we interact with on a daily basis have eternal history and eternal potential that only intersect with us for a blip of a moment. By loving, listening, and accepting, we are able to gain more and more glimpses into their eternities of self.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s no question that the Savior loves all of God’s children. And! There’s no question that he asks all of them, without exception, to repent (when they’re of age). And one of the things that means is that we come to him–warts and all–with a willingness to set aside our notions of meaningful living in order to do things his way. And if “doing things is way” requires living without is gay sex then that’s what we do. We don’t modify the gospel in order to transform it into what may seem like a more compassionate version of what the Savior taught. We do what he says because, first and foremost, we know that he loves us–and secondly, we trust that he knows more than we do. So yes, we love LGBTQ people to pieces! But we make no excuses for them or anyone else to commit serious sin. In fact, it should be precisely because we love others that we make no excuses for committing serious sin.
LikeLike
No one on the recipient end of the “love” you’re offering would actually feel loved. If you’re going to choose the path you’ve described, you should probably comes to terms with that reality.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve already come to terms with that reality. I’m willing to bear — and have born — the title of “bigot” in order to defend the church’s teachings on marriage and family. Even so, I’ll go on loving the sweet LGBTQ folks in my extended family just as much as I love everyone else.
And as for people refusing to believe that the law of chastity is finally based in love–at some point we’ve got to come to terms with the fact that the gospel is a better way. It is stringent–and it is certainly no respecter of persons. Everyone is challenged by it in one way or another. But there are great promises extended to those who will come to the Savior with full purpose of heart holding nothing back–not even that “one thing” that the rich young man could not let go of.
LikeLike
It’s a wonder you don’t hear yourself.
LikeLike
I do hear myself–and sometimes I’m concerned that I might be a little too abrasive. But, even so, I’ve no doubt that the counsel we’ve received through modern prophets with regard to marriage & family and chastity is inspired. And that’s what I wish the world would hear–rather than encouraging people to live and behave in ways — even with the best of intentions — that are antithetical to that counsel.
LikeLike
Jack wrote: “…And IF “doing things is way” requires living without is gay sex then that’s what we do. …” [emphasis mine]
IMO, that “IF” is 90% of the problem with this issue. IF God has said such a thing, then I would agree with your conclusion, but — to paraphrase Pres. Oaks from the Be One celebration — “I [have] studied [and am studying] the reasons being given [that God requires living without same sex romantic and sexual relationships and behaviors], and [can] not feel confirmation of the truth of any of them.” I’m fairly certain that I am not alone in not having a testimony of these alleged prophetic declarations. It seems to me that our top down, authoritarian, high demand religion that expects everyone to have the same testimony does not know how to handle those who don’t get a testimony of something, and really doesn’t know what to do with those who express that lack of testimony publicly.
LikeLike
MrShorty,
I need to do a better job of checking my comments before I post. I’m surprised you could even understand the portion you quoted. What a mess–thanks for your patience.
IMO, Elder Oaks was talking about not knowing the “why” even though we may know the “what.” The proclamation on the family is absolutely clear on what we need to do even though it doesn’t specify all of the reasons as to why:
“We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”
That said–just to be clear–I don’t categorize sexual orientation per se as sin. I believe we can feel attractions anywhere on the array of sexuality and be a virtuous and holy people. Where get ourselves into trouble vis-a-vis sexuality is when we fail to bridle our passions in the way the Lord has prescribed.
LikeLike
No where does Jesus say same sex relationships are a sin. Take a look at how an LDS scholar Dan McClellan explains those scriptures in the Bible which appear to address these things.
LikeLike
Mary,
Dan McClellan is a smart cookie–but I agree with Blake Ostler’s rebuttal to his interpretation of Paul’s writings on this particular subject. Found here:
“No where does Jesus say same sex relationships are a sin.”
There are many things that the Savior never mentions. Even so, I think it’s better to build an understanding on what the living prophets do say rather than on what the scriptures don’t say. Remember King Benjamin’s counsel:
“And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them.”
LikeLike
I kind of agree that the statement from the Proclamation you’ve quoted is clear (except maybe for hiding “sexual behaviors [and romantic, behaviors, in the case of same-sex relationships]” behind the “powers of procreatioin euphemism). However, as clear as the statement is, by itself it does not (and maybe cannot) address the central “IF” that I mentioned from your comment. I agree that it is clear that this is what the document’s authors and supporters believe God has commanded. I do not see any way to know that what the document claims comes from God is actually from God.
In another comment on a different blog, someone mentioned how our history shows that sometimes our leaders have claimed something came from God when it really didn’t. That is the central question behind the “IF.” How do we know exactly what God commands in relation to the LGBT controversies?
LikeLike
MrShorty,
“I do not see any way to know that what the document claims comes from God is actually from God.”
That, IMO, is *the* question. The proclamation has very little traction without an acknowledgement that it is inspired. And so the question we have to come to terms with is–were the apostles inspired when they declared it.
That said, I think the first thing we should do is take into account the fact that all fifteen apostles declared the proclamation together. That kind of unity is difficult to dismiss with regard to the seriousness of the issue at hand and the call for the saint’s attention–as with the lifting of the priesthood ban.
Even so, as serious as the call for our attention may be, it is finally up to us as individuals to learn for ourselves whether or not the counsel that flows through the apostles originates from God. And that means, as I’m sure you’re aware, we must take that question directly to the Lord.
Finally, I offer my personal witness that the apostles are the mouthpiece of the Lord–especially when they are united. And it’s my hope that you’ll be able to come to that knowledge for yourself by means of personal revelation.
LikeLike
Jack: I’m not sure how far down this tangent to go with this, but let me say a little bit more here. You are right that discerning what is and is not from God is “the” question. I have mixed opinions about unity in the top quorum, but agree that it has significance. I cannot tell when unity means “this is right and true” and “this is conservative and supportive of the status quo.” I also agree that personal revelation is supposed to be the final arbiter of what is right and wrong for each person. I would just note that we don’t address those who do not receive a testimony of something. We always talk (as you do in your comment) as if it is inevitable that a testimony will come if we just wait and study and pray for it long and hard enough. How do we know when our lack of testimony is because God is waiting for something, and when the absence of a testimony means that said something is not true or right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah–those are tough questions. We don’t always get the revelation we’re seeking. Even so, I think the thing to do is to work to receive the Holy Ghost so that it is generally operative in our lives. In so doing, as Nephi tells us, “it will tell us all things that we should do.”
I think it’s interesting that Nephi says “do” rather than “know.” We may not get understanding as fast as we would like–but the Holy Ghost will certainly help us in the present to know what to do or not to do; how to act or not to act; how to live or not to live.
So even though revelation will not always be forthcoming with regard to the whys and wherefores–I’m confident that if we are sincere in our desires to live as the Lord would have us live that he’ll help us to know what to do.
And then, after putting our best foot forward to do what we honestly believe the Lord has counselled to do well will be in a better position to know with certainty that it is his will. As the Savior said:
“If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”
Take care, my friend.
LikeLike
I know this conversation happened almost a year ago, so I would be surprised if you read this Jack, but I just wanted to further discuss your comment “And if “doing things is way” requires living without is gay sex then that’s what we do.” I think it’s really important to address that this is about a LOT more than just having sex with the gender that you’re attracted to. Following the rules regarding same-sex attraction means that LGBTQ members of the church are denied access from a very meaningful kind of relationship that is given and highly encouraged by the church for straight members and I think that’s what this article is trying to address. Based off of your comments, I assume that you are straight (if you’re not I’m sorry) and I am as well. I could never tell anyone that it is wrong for them to have a the kind of relationship that I am so privileged to be offered, nor will you and I ever be able to understand what that must be like to be told you can’t have that. It’s not just about “bridling our passions,” its about being able to have that meaningful relationship. I haven’t been able to figure out my feelings as far as wether the policies in the Family Proclamation come from God or not, but what I do know is that in regards to political laws, I will do everything I can to make sure that people are not denied a choice, nor will I ever tell anyone in a same-sex relationship that what they are doing is evil.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cora, thank you so much for adding this insight. I agree.
LikeLike